In my experience when people ponder dog training, they often think about everything they want to teach their dog in order to make coexisting more enjoyable. Seldom do people realize that dogs can teach us a thing or two about life. I often say that while humans speak in prose, dogs speak in poetry. Their communication is extremely nuanced, small gestures have meaning and very little happens by ‘accident’. Dogs have, undoubtedly, made me a better human, I have become more self aware, more compassionate and humble. Through them I have come to understand the importance of having an intention when setting out on a new endeavor. I have learned the significance of perspective (physical and mental) and how to accept that sometimes plans fall through and do not work they way you thought they would. So here are the five most important lessons that dogs have taught me.
Compassion
Imagine yourself in a foreign country, where you don’t speak the language and people are constantly trying to talk to you. How would you feel? Overwhelmed, confused, excited? All of the above? Now think about the manner that you would you like to be taught the language of the place. I would choose someone who can be understanding enough to go at my pace not theirs, someone who helped me when things got really hard, a person that is thinking about how to make things better for me, even if doing so might make things a little harder for them. A person with compassion.
When working with dogs I always start by being accepting and aware that their actions are never done on purpose. Dog’s don’t have a sense of self, hence the barking at mirrors and liking of the genitalia. One needs a sense of self to purposely do something. Their reactions to life happen to be only fight – flight – avoidance – surrender. ‘Making our lives harder by not understanding us’ is not on their list of responses. Compassion comes in recognizing that. Understanding that whatever we feel at any given interaction with our dogs, that is on us. They are just being dogs. They communicate in their own way, and we can learn that. Ponder for a bit how you would like to be taught that form of communication? Hurriedly, with someone that gives up after just a few minutes or gets frustrated when you have a hard time understanding? Or having a teacher that is compassionate and knows that time and practice are the essence of any type of learning? I know what my answer is.
Intention
In one of those aha moments that become so ingrained in your psyche that you often wonder how you lived so long without it, I finally understood that *”before addressing anything regarding animals we can all benefit from a quick self scan to check why we are doing what we are doing . Not to judge ourselves or others, but to be aware.”
Dante was the dog the crystalized this is my mind. The owner, a sergeant in the police department whom I met while doing the Pawsitivechange program, reached out because he had become afraid of his own dog. It might sound ironic that a sergeant working in a high security prison would be apprehensive about a dog, but there we were. I felt honored that he was able to confide in me by admitting something so personal.
*”Mistrust was what I saw from both dog and owner. (…) When I walked into the kennel, the dog stiffened. The owner also said he was uncomfortable. I reassured both dog and owner that my intent was nothing other then to get to know the dog so we could come up with a plan. (…) The dog sniffed, got a little pushy, I stood my ground (by simply claiming my space). The dog backed away and laid down. He had no other intent other than figuring out what was coming in his kennel.”
Next time you start working with a dog, set an intention of what you want to achieve. And then work backwards from that. Often times we humans know what we don’t want our dogs to do, but we haven’t a fully formed plan about what we do want them to do. The cues becomes confusing, the communication unclear, resulting in experiences that are often frustrating for both dog and human. *”We all aim to create balance between us and our pets. That starts with us knowing each other’s intent a little better and acting accordingly.”
Humility
*”In the span of 15 minutes, Willow got her leash caught on the metal part of the shelf, freaked out, pulled away, broke three vases and still had the shelf caught on her leash when I finally came outside to bring her in. (…) [While] the dog trainer in me wanted to react with anger to the mess, the human in me just started laughing. Yes, I do this for a living. Yes those pots and shelves had been there for years (Willow never even bumped into them) and yes, my dog’s excitement caused the mess.” But I chose to use that moment as a teaching exercise, I asked Willow to lay on a bed while I cleaned up the mess.
*”Having the humility and awareness to know that Willow didn’t do it on purpose and that she most likely got the scare of a lifetime when the shelf came down allowed me to teach and laugh through the entire situation. We all make mistakes, our dogs make mistakes. It is how we chose to react to those mistakes that define our relationship with them. We can choose to instruct them on unwanted behaviors or we can choose to be disappointed and angry.” I chose the moment to teach. Humility allowed to see what happened as a mistake, not as an indictment on Willow’s behavior.
Grace
*”What dogs have taught me… whenever possible do it with grace.” Since grace is one of those words that can have completely different meanings depending on what you are trying to convey I will be more precise. The grace I have learned from dogs is the one that encompasses adroitness, ease, consideration and charm. Dogs are masters at that. The way they move, communicate and teach are all infused with grace. In the animal world (some might say in the human world as well), how you move matters. When dogs are socializing they are communicating constantly using body language and grace to get their point across. It is a beautiful thing to watch and it can definitely be replicated in the human world. Moving with intention, with compassion, with joy. That in my opinion, is moving with grace.
Surrender
The harder the experience, the bigger the breakthrough.
The most difficult dogs I have worked with are also the ones that taught me the most important insight I have ever learned. Surrender.
*“Luna and Jack…two very different dogs from different households. (…) They are, by far the most intense cases I have ever worked with. Often people think that aggression is the hardest aspect of training. For me, the lack of trust that these two dogs have in humans, is what made them so intense and challenging.”
While Luna would literally walk in circles (so intense was her fight/flight = anxiety). Jack managed to bite every single person in his family. They called Animal Control to pick him up because they were so afraid of him. Both of the dogs displayed almost an inability to surrender; to trust that the human would guide them through.
*“It took time, daily breakthroughs and set backs, guidance (…). (But) what I eventually understood is that I had a set of expectations that had nothing to do do with the dogs in front of me. I wanted them to surrender to the experience but I wasn’t allowing myself to see them for they really were. So I surrendered… to the dogs. I allowed myself to realize that they might not ‘done’ by the time they leave.
The conversations with the owners, was at times, emotional, other times practical. In the end, we came up with a plan that works for their relationship. I am thankful to owners that understand that trust is not something you get by force or by giving up. It is when we surrender to the dog in front of us that we can start to (create a clearer path forward).”
Surrender, to me, is accepting what is, assessing and evaluating what I am dealing with and eventually moving forward with a discernible intention. Luna and Jack taught me that; I will be forever grateful to them for that.
