Something that a lot of people don’t know about me is that I am a hugger. I love hugs—giving them, receiving them. Long hugs make me happy; quick hello hugs are my greeting of choice. Unless… unless the person does not like hugs, then I will politely greet them with a nod of my head. As much as I love hugs, I completely understand that they are not everyone’s cup of tea. We humans instinctively grasp that not everyone enjoys having people in their intimate space. We are raised to respect that and read social cues about what forms of affection are acceptable to which persons and which ones are not. Unfortunately, we seldom show that amount of consideration when it comes to dogs. Most people automatically equate dogs with petting, kissing, hugging, or cuddling, often disregarding the dog in the equation. Fun fact: not all dogs equate petting, kissing, and hugging with affection. A lot of dogs do not feel comfortable with people (or dogs) in their intimate space and actually equate calmness and space with affection. Very much like humans, dogs vary in their preference for who they feel comfortable with in their intimate and personal space. Some dogs may perceive petting as a threat, while others will lick you endlessly if you start stroking them. Very much like us, dogs do not have a universal answer for what constitutes affection. Conversely, not all dogs enjoy being kissed, hugged, or stroked.
In my household, I have two completely different responses to hugs and kisses from my two dogs. Popcorn will stay in your lap as long as you are hugging and petting him. He will, literally, lick the inside of your nose if you kiss him. He loves kisses and hugs. He will try to cuddle with everyone and anyone that will have him—a complete lover. Willow, on the other hand, really does not appreciate hugs at all. Or kisses. The only person she will allow to hug her is me. She will tolerate hugs and kisses from me. That is the proof of her devotion. I love my dogs, and I do everything in my power to fulfil them on a daily basis. Hence why I allow myself to pester Willow with hugs and kisses. However, I am completely aware that the affection I am showing her is for me, since she does not perceive the action of hugging and kissing as affection. To her, it is just me being me. Even if she doesn’t understand, I know that what I am doing in those moments is showering myself with attentiveness by getting to hug and kiss her. This is something important to keep in mind: it is not because we perceive hugging and kissing as affection that dogs necessarily do.
Physical contact among all mammals is essential for our survival; it is one of our most distinct characteristics. Studies have shown that consistent tactile stimulation in many species is crucial for proper social development. We humans instinctively do this when we raise our offspring. We encourage touch, hugs, grabbing, kissing… However, we do not let everyone touch our young. In fact, the younger our charges, the more protective we are about who gets to hug them and when. Since they can’t speak for themselves, it is up to the responsible parties to set rules and boundaries about the care and the well-being of their charge. The problem with our modern society is that we have forgotten those boundaries when it comes to our dogs. Even though many dogs enjoy being petted, not all dogs do. Moreover, most dogs do not perceive being kissed and hugged by all people as affection. The cuddles that WE want to give dogs are, more often than not, for us to feel better. The release of that oxytocin is usually more pronounced in us than in dogs. Especially if the dog doesn’t know the person, since that can be perceived as an invasion of their intimate space, which is stressful for many dogs. We may be getting our dose of oxytocin while the dogs in these scenarios are getting their dose of cortisol.
If one truly wishes to give affection to a dog, the most important thing that they can do is start by seeing and treating the dog as a dog. Understanding that they will get to know you through their sense of smell first. So if a dog comes and smells you, don’t pet them. Let them smell you and allow them to walk away. The initial meeting should be done with calmness and respect. Then, if you really want to show affection, go for a long walk with them. Dogs form packs through walks, not through petting each other. The walk is where trust and respect develop. Physical exercise should always, always precede physical touch. If after that, the dog comes close to you and “asks” for a pet (usually by touching their bodies to yours), then yes, pet them. You both earned those cuddles. Now you can get affection because you showed them affection in a way that makes sense to them. That is how I get to hug and kiss Willow. Even though, more often than not, she will simply sit there and wait patiently until her mum has lavished all that affection on her. Then she will give me a kiss and simply go lay down in her favourite bed. Both of us content and at peace.
Happy training!
